The Scariest Leadership Question: How Am I Doing?
Halloween is almost here. Cool weather, fall colors, and best of all…scary movies. I’m talking about heart pounding, make-you-jump-off-of-the-couch kind of movies that fill you with dreadful delight. So of course, I was inspired to write about one of the scariest, but most important leadership actions a person can take: asking for feedback.
<Cue the dark and foreboding music>
How do you think that went? How can I be a better leader for you? What should I be doing more of (or less of) to help this team/project? What am I missing? What needs more attention from me? Where can I be better? Asking these kinds of questions are brave words for anyone to utter. Brave because of what comes next. Namely feedback that might sting, challenge, or frighten you.
Often, the easiest thing to do is not to ask in the first place. This especially holds true when you are in a leadership role. You risk nothing. Unfortunately, you also gain nothing. If that alone is not motivation enough to ask the scary, how-am-I-doing questions, here’s another one.
A lot of leaders can suffer from a form of altitude sickness. The higher up they go, the less feedback they get, and this makes them “sick”. Feedback is like oxygen. Without it, self-awareness depletes. Your field of view of the team or the broader organization gets narrow and stagnant. Growth and learning get stunted, and decision-making is negatively impacted. In the worst cases, attempts at offering feedback are met with defensive anger and then over time, things get quiet. The creepy kind of quiet where you know people have useful things to say but they have learned to be silent. The effects create a real-life horror movie that finds people inside the organization hiding, fighting to survive, or running for their lives. It makes me think of images from The Walking Dead (during the early years when it was really good). Operating in that type of environment is the world’s most depressing zombie apocalypse.
Am I painting an overly dramatic picture here? Perhaps. My point is that as a leader not asking for feedback should be MORE frightening than asking for it.
How do you ask for feedback as a leader? I’m so glad you asked! I have a few best practices that are worth sharing. But before we dive in, there is one mandatory prerequisite when asking for feedback as a leader: TRUST. It is the most crucial precondition. What are the levels of trust and psychological safety that you have created within your team? If your answer is strong and healthy, then I encourage you to face any fears and ask for feedback. You will be better for it.
If your answer is low, or even “I don’t know”, STOP. What kind of feedback do you think you’ll get if your people don’t trust you? What useful information will you hear if your people think their words might adversely affect them? There is no suspense here – you already know the answer. The absence of trust creates a whole other level of terror along the lines of the opening scene from Jaws. OMG, I swear that film did some serious damage to my brain. To this day, I still can’t swim in open water without worrying about something dark and dangerous below. On a serious note, if building (or repairing) trust is something you want to address, there are a plethora of strategies just a google search away and no shortage of people to help you, including me. Spending time and energy towards strengthening trusted bonds is never the wrong decision. Ignoring trust issues keeps you in the dark and that’s the scariest place a leader can be.
Ok, I think that’s enough of the dark imagery. It’s time to leave those shark-infested waters behind and create an alternate ending. One that leads to your growth and development as a leader. With ample trust in hand, it’s time to ask your people the scary question…how am I doing?
Here are some best practices to noodle on. My hope is that these ideas help to maximize your comfort in asking feedback and minimize what might be scary for you.
1. Context helps. Tell people why you are asking for feedback, especially if it’s not part of your normal practice. Perhaps share that you are asking because you want to improve. Or I also like something along the lines of, “I value your perspective and I think you might have some feedback that I need to hear.”
2. Make it safe to share all of it. Give explicit permission for the good, bad, and the ugly.
3. Opt for open-ended questions vs close-ended questions. Something like, “How can I improve as your manager?” is much more effective than, “Do you have any feedback for me?”
4. Listen. Really listen. Take time to reflect on what is being shared.
5. Seek first to understand. Ask thoughtful questions and take care to curb any defensiveness tendencies.
6. Give time. Some people need more time to think about things. During a 1:1, you could say something like, “I’m curious how I can be a better manager for you and our team and would appreciate your feedback. Give it some thought, and I’d love to hear your ideas during our next 1:1.”
7. Provide focus. Narrowing in makes it easier for people to share their feedback. Example, “I don’t think that meeting went well. What could I have done better or differently there?”
8. Variety is the spice of life. Consider getting multiple perspectives. Your direct reports. Peers. Your manager. Partners. Customers.
9. For all that is good and holy, say thank you. This is particularly important when you have heard some harsh feedback. An authentic thank is also vital when feedback is from a direct report. Giving critical feedback to your boss is just as scary (sometimes more so) than asking for it. Reward their bravery.
10. Make it a habit. Keep asking for feedback. The goal here is progress, not perfection.
What would you add to this list? I’d love to learn other tips and strategies you have found to be successful. Or better yet, for those of you that regularly ask for feedback, what have you gained from doing so? How has it shaped you as a leader and manager?