Feeling Stuck?
Hello friends! I had great intentions of posting more regularly this year and then work got very busy. The rewarding kind of busy where I feel like I’m doing meaningful work that makes a positive difference for people. I’m beyond grateful for it. The only downside is that there has been little room for writing, which I’ve really missed. There’s something super powerful about starting with a blank page and ending with a little piece of yourself exposed for others to see, judge, love, or criticize. So let’s jump in cannonball-style!
Today’s musing falls under the header of STUCK.
It's kind of a funny word...stuck. It rhymes with muck, suck, and a favorite curse word. These words often make an appearance when the leaders and teams that I work with are sharing the various ways ‘stuck’ makes them feel. And for a variety of reasons lately, some of them are reporting increased feelings of ‘stuckness’. Synonyms include wedged, jammed, trapped, and caught, but I probably don’t have to tell you that. You’ve been there. Or you are there right now in some way shape or form.
When we feel stuck, we rarely show up as our best selves. We make choices to react in a certain way. To pivot or stay the course. To say the wrong thing or sometimes not say anything at all. What’s universal about the experience of ‘stuck’ is that those choices are often enveloped in a sea of unconscious habits and engrained patterns of thinking.
So, let’s explore a few ways to tackle the challenge of getting, or at least feeling, unstuck. I should note that these tools are rooted in self-awareness and self-management. Two skills that are essential for the job of developing as a better leader and teammate. Luckily, they are also particularly helpful for the task of feeling less stuck.
To start, I want you to think about a situation where you feel either a little or a lot stuck. Something isn’t going the way you want it to. Maybe it’s a co-worker with a challenging personality. Maybe your team keeps running into the same issues repeatedly. Whatever you choose, just make sure it’s an instance where you are committed to changing the way you have been addressing it up to this point. Doing the same thing and expecting a different result is not an option here.
As you think about your own example, consider that when we are in the thick of ‘stuck’ we meet the world with one of four lenses: curiosity, fear, judgement, and compassion. It is interesting to note that anger is not among the four lenses because it is often an expression of fear. Also, judgement can take two forms. Judgement of others as in, “What the hell is he thinking?” or judgement of self as in, “what’s wrong with me?”. Compassion is the practice of building your empathy and understanding for something or someone. And curiosity is deep inquiry for the sake of gaining knowledge and broadening perspective.
With these four lenses in mind, next comes some introspection. Don’t rush your answers here. Take your time and really think about the following questions:
Which of the 4 lenses is your normal default?
How does that lens change when you are under stress?
Which lens are you using right now with respect to your stuck situation?
Which lens might better serve you and why?
What do you need to do differently in order to access a different lens?
All of these questions are designed to create a pause and amplify your own self-awareness. The power of the pause is in the space that it creates. And that space is what’s needed to make a different choice. Without it you might default to whatever knee-jerk, unconscious habits might be dictating your behavior up to this point.
One of my favorite quotes that helps me pause and choose differently, especially when I am feeling stuck.
The result of your reflection will likely suggest that either curiosity or compassion (or a combination of the two) is what will better serve you right now. For example, if you choose the lens of compassion, you listen more intently with the goal of understanding vs being understood and this leads to new insights. Or if you decide that more curiosity is required, you may find yourself asking more questions and learning more about the situation. This new awareness brings in new possibilities from different angles. A bonus takeaway is the realization that when you are truly and genuinely in the mode of curiosity, it makes judgement virtually impossible.
Over time, little by little, you start to notice a shift. Some slight movement. Hooray, I say! Because these small shifts create needed momentum to continue the work you started. Something else to celebrate is the idea that a change in your own thinking – how you see and experience whatever has been your source of stuck – can sometimes be more impactful than solving the problem itself. I’m not saying that a good solution to the problem is not important. Obviously, that matters too. But part of the path to feeling unstuck is to focus on the things you can control, namely how you think and behave.
Another opportunity for you to create more space (and make different choices) comes from a talk I saw Arawana Hayashi give earlier this year at the Hudson Coaching Conference. She said something powerful that unlocked how I thought about being stuck in the first place: Flow is overrated. Stuck is an innovative process. The next question she posed is a doozy and one I’ll ask you to noodle on. If you were to lean into the idea that stuck is an innovative process, what might shift for you?
Now, as you reflect back on your challenging situation, don’t let comfort be your guide. What do you notice? Any new ideas you can experiment with? My biggest hope is that this musing created a small spark of motivation to take a different approach to your current ‘sticky’ moment.
One last thing, it is ok and courageous and brave to ask for help. Few things are worse than feeling stuck and alone. Reach out to trusted colleagues. Confide in people that care about you. Find a professional coach <insert shameless plug here>. Brainstorm ideas with your manager. And above all, tap into the wisdom that is around you with compassion and curiosity. You might be surprised at how many different solutions present themselves.
P.S. The four lenses came to me by way of Penny Handscomb, an amazing Master Coach who works with The Hudson Institute of Coaching. She shared that it came to her via Robin and Joan Shohet - both leaders in Coaching supervision space.